Atonement: Proving You Are Sorry

We had another great discussion which was based on the book: Beyond Forgiveness: Reflections on Atonement edited by Phil Cousineau.

Atonement is not a familiar concept to many of us. However, examples of individuals, communities, and even countries abound in which atonement was used to heal relationships. We can learn from these examples.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa said that if someone steals his pen and uses it for a year and then returns it and begs for forgiveness "...my response is to ask for compensation for the use of my pen, for the ink used and for some indication of contrition/repentance by the offender." 

There are several good examples of atonement in modern books and movies such as Khaled Hosseini's novel The Kite Runner in which the protagonist decides to return to Afghanistan to "make things right again." Movies, in addition to The Kite Runner, that address atonement include Gran Torino; Pickpocket; Mission; Verdict; and Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio.

There are countries that have shown us how powerfully atonement can work. One example is:

• In 2007 the government of Brazil created the Amnesty Commission to seek forgiveness from hundreds of victims of torture during an earlier military rule. As a means of atonement, the government also has offered monetary compensation.  

Restorative justice practices in a number of comunities around the world are leading the way in using atonement to heal injuries and mend relationships. In Restorative Justice offenders must make amends for their wrongdoing instead of serving time in prison.

• For example a Judge in Atlanta sentenced four white-rascists who burned down a black church to rebuild it. Often such requirements leads to the dissolving of anger and hate between the victim and offender. 

When we do someone wrong, it would be helpful to go beyond apologizing by taking concrete action to backup the words of apology.

Atonement speaks to our needing to prove that we are truly sorry for the wrong we have done. It shows that our words "I'm sorry" are not just empty words, but rather are backed up by action.

Atonement: Not Easy, But Essential

Another great discussion on Thursday, August 18. One of the thoughts that stood out for me was that atonement means at-one-ment. In other words--being at one with the person who has harmed you. How hard is that? Very.

This means that when I am the victim, I must go beyond forgiving. I must also recognize and feel that the offender and I are one. Emotionally, my sense is that in some cases of extreme harm, such as murder or rape, this cannot and should not be done.

Yet, I know of some rare and amazing people who have done just that--they have become one with someone who has offended them in a horrific manner. And they are better for it. And the offender is better for it. For most of us it is a struggle to get there. 

Revenge is not good for us as individuals, nor is it good for our society. If we all did the eye for an eye thing, we would all be blind.

On the other hand, the offender must atone for his wrongdoing. Restorative Justice is a program that requires the victim and offender work together to mend their differences. The offender must take some action to atone for the hurt he caused. The victim has a strong voice in what that action should be. It works. It heals wounds of victim and offender and is better than prisons at preventing repeat offenders. It can work for our larger society as well.

The study guide for lesson one lists seven practices for atonement. (www.beyondforgiveness.org. Based on the book Beyond Forgiveness: Reflections on Atonement.)
They are:
1. Acknowledge the hurt, the harm, the wrong.
2. Offer apologies, ask for forgiveness.
3. Try to make amends commensurate with the harm done.
4. Help to clear the conscience of the offender.
5. Relieve the anger and shame of the victim.
6. Practice compassion for victim and perpetrator alike.
7. Establish a spiritual practice of prayer or meditation.

There is much to be said for atonement and much that we have to learn. It is a difficult process, but we will be better for it. What do you think? What experiences have you had? I would love to hear from you. 

  

Relationships That Hurt

We had a lively discussion last week discussing atonement and how to grow it in our personal lives. We used information from the website www.beyondforgiveness.org as the basis for our discussion. One important bit of information that came out is that we are all victims and we are all offenders. That this statement holds much truth was made clear in our discussion. 

The questions we have to grapple with include how should we react to the pain that others inflict on us. Do we decide to seek revenge, or do we forgive and seek peace? Can we live with those who have hurt us, or do we seek retaliation?

And what do we do when we have hurt others? Do we say, "I'm sorry?" Or do we go beyond just talking? Do we take action to demonstrate that we truly regret our behavior? Do we take action to heal the relationship?

Many personal stories came out in our discussion that demonstrated the strength and the humaness of those present.

Forgiving and asking for forgiveness and going beyond forgiveness to atone for wrongdoing is not easy. We talked about several ways to make us stronger in these areas. One is to refocus on relationships. Pay attention to how we relate to others, what we say, how we act and think. The more we learn about ourselves, the less likely we will need a healing relationship later.

Perhaps you can no longer atone to the person you hurt. You can still do atonement work to heal yourself. Do volunteer work, cook a meal for somene who needs it. Atonement works even if it is not "paid back" to the person who needs it. 

In the weeks to come we will be looking much deeper at atonement and the role it can play in our lives.

What is your experience with hurt, forgiveness and atonement? I would appreciate hearing from you.   

Beyond Forgiveness: Reflections on Atonement

This week in our Sage-ing II class we begin our study of the book Beyond Forgiveness: Reflections on Atonement. While the more pervasive reaction to being wronged is revenge, only forgiveness and atonement pave the way to healing and an end to hostilities. Although these may be the better path to take, they are by far the more difficult.

The message that we must destroy our enemy is all around us. And, to be honest, doesn't it feel good when the good guy rides into town and shoots up the bad guys? But that's not the way it works in much of the world. Who is the "good" guy is not always so clear and his shooting the other guy usually leads to them shooting back. How does it ever end?

As we get more into Beyond Forgiveness I'll post some of the thoughts here that, I hope, will add some understanding of this process. Meanwhile, if you have any thoughts on the subject, I would love to hear from you.